[cheers & applause] >> welcome back, maggots. if you want to see the video that made my audience scream, there will be directions to it

on our blog. alright. the oscars were on sunday, and as always, my favorite part was when they showed the people who died this year. but it made me think, i ought to honor the people who died on the internet in 2010. ♪ [applause] ♪ ♪ [applause] there is not a dry eye in the house! actually, i'm not sure if all of those people are dead. we don't do much research around here. my apologies to the survivors

and their families, but know that you have a second chance. [laughter] next week, this guy gets a web redemption. >> my name is bill davidson. and i'm taking my party's position for the treasurer. >> he's got my vote. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com. and my new stand-up special "happy thoughts" premieres this sunday, march 6th. so i can finally stop plugging it. [laughter] alright. it was great meeting all my fans across the country on the tosh tour. the best part was getting to tell them what i think about them right to their face. >> don't talk anymore, all right? if you say one more word -- i know you think you're being cute but you're ruining jokes you haven't heard, you [bleep]. [laughter] >> ah, man, i really know how to

give back to my fans. yes, i had them kicked out. stay tuned for an all-new rerun of tosh.0. what do you have going on tonight, daniel? well, jon, it's a classic web redemption with some idiot from the internet, and we make fun of asians this week. i think i've already seen that one, daniel. see you next week. goodnight. sit, ubu, sit. good dog. [cheers & applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause]

[crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome report to, everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you so much. please. [cheers and applause] thank you. please. please -- thank you for join us. thank you for being here and out there and a special good evening to whatever poor staff is down at comedy central and logging all the little clips for my show right now. it's a horrible job. get out of there. happy birthday. nation, it's hard to get through the noise of washington, d.c. but last night name an epic stand on the senate floor by

libertarian senator rand paul. >> to washington we go now where a bit of a rarity taking place today, republican senator rand paul kentucky right now filibustering president obama's choice for c.i.a. director john brennan. senator paul said he will talk until he no longer can. you talk and talk to prevent a vote. >> stephen: talking and talking and talking to fill hours of empty time. [laughter] it's the story cable news was born to cover. [ laughter ] folks, senator paul started his filibuster in response to the answer he received from attorney general eric holder to this question: >> can the u.s. government carry out drone strikes against american citizens on u.s. soil? >> the attorney general, eric holder, has made a surprising statement, yes but only under extraordinary circumstanceses.

>> stephen: like an endless war with a faceless enemy fought by remote control flying killbots. how often does that happen? [laughter] the first question was al qaeda enemy combatant. over the course of the 13 straight hours he raised a slippery slope question the answer to which he received this afternoon. >> the administration has responded with a letter from attorney general holder to rand paul. i'm quoting, it has come to my attention you've asked: does the president have the authority to use aid weaponnized drone to kill an american not -- the answer is no. >> there was one of shortest letters from an attorney general and it had a silent fu in there somewhere. >> stephen: f-u, of course stands for thank you for is

asking. i want to thank rand paul for making this brave stance because it's good to know they cannot kill us. i'm sure there's not classified legal opinion overriding that one like we don't know about. doesn't change my opinion. no matter what anybody says, i love drones. [ laughter ] do you hear that drones? stephen loves you! [cheers and applause] stephen, loves drones, drones, with pretty face drones. nation, you know when i take to the airwaves i expect the entire world to be listening and i mean the entire world. would it kill you to get hulu plus people of rainforest? [laughter] but i have a special interest in north koreans who i assume are watching on their television sets.

this week los koreans del norte threated to use a missile on the u.s. and you know they mean business they wiped east and west korea off the map. [ applause ] i also clap when i'm terrified. with tensions rising america had no choice but to send their top negotiator dennis rodman for some basketball diplomacy. after all it worked at the conference with stalin. he backed down pretty quick after getting tomahawk dunked on by fdr. [laughter] we learned it failed. >> breaking this morning north korea vows to launch a nuclear strike against the united states. >> the war of words escalating. >> north korea threatening to turn washington into a sea.

>> stephen: north korea is willing to go to any lengths to -- please pay attention to us. can i do a cannon ball, look! we should this coming. the signs were everywhere and i mean -- i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. north korea's news leader which last month broadcast this official state video foreshadowing the coming hellfire. ♪ ♪ [instrumental music of "we are the word" playing -- the world" playing] ♪ ♪

>> stephen: folks, that is not only a dark depiction of an attack on the united states but it's also the world's most disturbing karaoke video. [laughter] for those of you who may not have picked up on the sult nuances it depicts a man dreaming of a north korean rocket nuking new york city all set to "we are the world." it's almost as terrifying as the 2010 remake of "we are the world." i mean who invited vince vaughn? [cheers and applause] folks this video proves that we're not only in an arms race, we're in a dreams race. [ laughter ] so once again it falls on me to retaliate against north korea. all right, let's do this thing. hold on. hold on. [cheers and applause] [laughter]

okay. now i'm not sure if i'm actually going to be able to fall asleep. [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ ] ] instrumental version of "we are the world" playing] ♪

[sirens and video game noise] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: yeah! ♪ >> we're all going to get laid! ♪ is snierks [cheers and applause] >> stephen: oh, ah. [cheers and applause] consider that dream a warning shot kim jong un. i challenge you to come into my sub conscious and fight me like a man who then turns into my

first grade teacher but not my first grade teacher really and i'm naked and i can't run because my legs won't move fast. know wu know w a+h

everybody. thank you so much. folks, you know, the sequester continues but paul ryan and the president met today for lunch to hammer out a possible deficit

deal before the looming continued budget resolution vote on march 27. [laughter] shut up. [laughter] shut up you stupid boring news. [ laughter ] look, i'm not going to lie to you, folks. old steve with a c is tired. it's my last show before a two-week break. i'm barely holding it together. cards on the table i could give two (bleep) about the noise right now. -- about the news right now. no, that's not right. that's way too much 1.5 (bleep) tops. you know what i want to talk about? do you want to know what i want to talk about? i want to talk about the bachelor.

[cheers and applause] i love that show. i love that show. i mean i just -- every time i watch it it's just daddy time, you know? i pour myself a glass of chardonnay and i am off to a land of romance. [ laughter ] and, look, don't be a hater because in 16 seasons -- [laughter] -- 16 seasons one guy has gotten married to the runner up after he initially proposed to a different girl. so the system works. [ laughter ] mmmmm, oh. and how great is sean? jimmy, jimmy, how great is sean? yes. [cheers and applause] all right. what girl wouldn't want to be with an eligible hunk who has a successful career as a contestant from last season's

bachelorette. what with him being a born again virgin? how does that even work? i'm sorry but once you've done it, you've done i. you can't repop the cap on a snapple. i learned that on a snapple cap. i guess -- i don't know -- i guess. am i right? i guess you vow the next time you do it you'll be terrible and awkward like flailing and panicked like a deer trapped in a minivan. get me you of -- out of here! i have to admire his moral commitment to stay chaste and merely tongue down 20 women in one night like god intended. i cannot wait for monday's finale. the last rose ceremony was most dramatic yet. my favorite part was the full minute of emotionally charged

staring. ♪ [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] ♪

[laughter] >> stephen: after seeing this are you telling me i can rake in 9 million viewers just by staring at a couple of people for a whole minute? then i know how i'm choosing tonight's guest. please welcome our finalist nyu president and author of birdhouse within dougie st. james. gentleman. thank you for being here. one of you -- one of you will be my guest tonight. [ laughter ] the other -- the other will be going home. [ laughter ] this -- this is so hard. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]

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each just a dollar. ♪ [laughter] >> stephen: john sexton will you be my guest? >> oh, yes! >> stephen:. >> what about all that stuff you said to me in the fantasy suite? i deserve happiness, too!

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: please welcome nyu president john sexton. [cheers and applause] boom! boom! mr. sexton thank you for coming back. can i call you john? >> john is it. >> stephen: john, thank you for coming back. good to see you again. you are the president of nyu and also a teacher there and your new book "baseball as a road to god" is based on a course you taught there what do you mean baseball as a road to god? jesus said that no one gets to the father but through me. are you saying that jesus is baseball? because there's no jesus in baseball -- there's some hey-sus but there's no jesus in baseball. [ laughter ] >> the point of book is, stephen, to go directly at the proposition you put on the

table. i'm a catholic. >> stephen: i'm the catholic. [laughter] >> the point here is that those of us that were taught as we were that we had the truth, with a capital t. >> stephen: which we do. >> should be a little bit more humble about that. >> stephen: i am. [ laughter ] >> and open ourselves up to the fact that baseball is a road to god just as our religion is a road to god just as buddhism is a road to god and the more important thing is that we all get used to finding god in this world. >> stephen: how is baseball anything like -- god does not take nine innings. >> but god, like baseball, is timeless. >> stephen: baseball feels timeless. [laughter] >> see now, the key that i'm trying to get at in this book is the fact that -- what we as human beings should be doing is

searching for meaning. frequently meaning is that which we can learn and put in a mind, especially a wonderful mind like yours. [laughter] but frequently the real meaning of life can't be put in cognitive terms. there's a word i use in my course and in the book it can't be reduced to words. we experience it. the way we know we're in love, for example. the way we know life as meaning. >> stephen: i like that inhe havable thing because i can say something is true and go, i can't schain it, i'm right though -- i can't explain it. i'm right though. [cheers and applause] and many -- [cheers and applause] >> stephen: i'm ineff able about everything. >> i know. you have put your finger on the heart of the matter because

there is the known. so we know now the world is not flat. there's the knowable that we don't yet know but we'll know because of the advancement of knowledge and science over the centuries. but then there's is the unknowable. and what i try to get at in this book is that we appreciate that which can't be put into cognitive terms, like love, which we know through experience and interpersonal relationships. and we don't confuse as we sometimes are tempted to do the unknowable from that which we simply do not know yet. >> stephen: one of the things that i don't know is what you just said. i'm sure that's me. i'm sure there's people who go to nyu who understood when you just sesmed i want to talk about love. we can't know love but